My husband and I are celebrating 16 years of marriage this month. This is also our “dating anniversary”, with our first date taking place 21 years (!!) ago. We’ve been together longer than we’ve been apart in our lives! Our relationship at this moment is solid – we’re continuing to build our love for and intimacy with each other - but there was a time not too long ago that I wondered how I would survive being married to my husband “’til death do us part.” I can assure you that he felt the same way about me. So, what change makes me think we can make it? We’re growing up. *sigh*
Growing up is hard to do, and so is being a grownup when things get tough. It’s much easier to react (or withdraw) out of intense emotions than to hit the pause button, stay connected, and study my part in a conflict- facing it head-on. This is what Hal Runkel, LMFT addresses in his new book, Scream Free Marriage: Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer. So, what exactly is emotional reactivity? Can I be “Scream Free”?? Here is a list of the top 5 ways Runkel says we “scream”(if not on the outside, then on the inside), or become emotionally reactive in marriage: 1. We scream – literally. This is the most common form of reactivity, and is usually done as a way to protect ourselves when we’re feeling unloved, unappreciated, disrespected, and hurt. Unfortunately, the “it” that we’re losing when we’re “losing it” is our adulthood, as well as the maturity it takes to handle the situation. But maybe you don’t scream out loud. Maybe, for you, “screaming” is… 2. Distancing ourselves in an effort to protect ourselves. The idea is that distancing will prevent the explosion in #1, or any other uncomfortable confrontation and emotional pain. Unfortunately, emotional distance becomes the new norm for the couple and precludes any deep connection or true intimacy. This may appear functional, but only superficially. The relationship may stay “peaceful,” but it’s a cold war type of peace. 3. We cut ourselves off completely. This is distancing on steroids. Think divorce here. The problem is that it doesn’t work… even if you’re able to cut off future contact (which won’t happen if you have children), there will always be an emotional history. 4. We fall into an overfuntioning/underfunctioning pattern in the relationship. One person takes on a majority of the responsibility, until resentment kicks in. Or, until the “underfuntioner” steps up, and then the “overfuntioner” is anxious about losing her “role”. 5. We triangulate – a fancy way of saying that we pull a third party into the two-party relationship in order to relieve the anxiety in the relationship. Picture the wife calling her mom to complain about her husband or the couple who doesn’t talk about anything other than their children. This is an attempt for the two to avoid addressing the issues between them, which blocks intimacy. Continue to learn more about Runkel’s tips on remaining calm in the face of conflict and thereby building intimacy by checking our Renewal Blog each Wednesday at http://www.liferenewalcounseling.org/renewal-blog.html Here’s to growing up! ----Yolanda
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I was sitting in Chick-Fil-A recently, having just finished my chicken noodle soup, and had a few minutes to people-watch. I tend to be especially observant when it comes to interactions between parents and their children, in hopes of adding new ideas to my "tool box" to help my clients.
This day, however, I felt like I was riding a time machine as I watched a dad try to get his two young ones out of the playground. Particularly, the memory that collided through my mind was my being several months pregnant with my second child while trying to coax my oldest, 2 years old at that time, into leaving. The scenario I witnessed recently ended with dad raising his voice, making a scene, and picking up one screaming child while pulling the other screaming child behind him. The scene that occurred more than a dozen years ago that I flashed back to ended with ME yelling, creating a scene, and CLIMBING UP INTO THE PLAYGROUND (pregnant belly and all) to drag my darling child down and out of the restaurant. Oh, the joys of discipling in public. Where everyone is watching. And you wish the whole earth would swallow you up. I often tell my clients that I don't claim to do the parenting thing perfectly, and heavens knows that my kids are not perfect-- but I've made enough mistakes to warn about what NOT to do, and studied parents and kids enough to get an idea of what can work. Here are some thoughts. Please feel free to add what has worked for you. 1. Be non-reactive. Kids are experts in picking up on your emotional state. Like our canine furry friends, they can smell fear (and anger, desperation, etc.) a mile away, so it's very important to keep a handle on your emotions. Remaining calm reminds them who is in charge. 2. Keep it down. Children are intrigued by adults talking very quietly-- probably because they expect us to yell. Using a quiet, calm voice will help them listen as you voice your expectation of them, along with the resulting consequence. Also, I happened to stumble upon a little "psss, psss" sound that somehow catches my kids' attention every time... even now. It's been very handly to use to get their attention from across the room to give them "the look". 3. Keep it under wraps. The idea of discipline is not to embarrass the child, especially in public. Save the intense discipline and implementation of consequences for a private place. Before you discipline, make sure the behavior you are expecting is age and child appropriate -- that you're not disciplining out of embarrassment, expecting a 3 year old to sit still during a 4 course meal, or asking your tired 5 year old to go on a shopping marathon. You can be sure that your child will test limits, especially in a public place, to see if your boundaries remain firm. It's not usually fun, but is survivable. What are your tips for handling misbehavior in a public place? Let's continue on our topic of boundaries and discuss work issues. In our society of constant contact and mobile devices-- in addition to the a struggling economy where the thought of finding a new job might be terrifying -- maintaining appropriate boundaries in the workplace can be difficult. According to Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, in their book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life, there are nine boundary problems that can occur in the workplace:
1. Getting stuck with others' responsibilities. There is a fine line between being a "team player" and being taken advantage of. The difference is being responsible to others vs. being responsible for others. An occasional favor is one thing, but if you're routinely doing another's work, you must calmly express your "no" to your coworker. Don't try to explain, argue, or justify. 2. Working too much overtime. This is a good time to review your job description and decide how much overtime is healthy for you and your family. Then, make a list of tasks you are responsible for over the next month and plan to meet with your boss to discuss which ones are a priority. Focus on those priorities and let the rest go. There will always be more work than hours in a day. 3. Misplaced priorities. You will be a more effective worker if you prioritize your tasks and do them to the best of your ability. Saying no to the unimportant keeps the important top-notch. 4. Difficult coworkers. Remember that you only have the power to change yourself, so you must see yourself and how you relate to the difficult person as the problem. Focus on changing your reaction to the other person. 5. Critical attitudes. If you're especially sensitive to others' criticism, you may become hooked on getting the critical person in your office to "like" you... or at least become less critical. This is where your boundary and not "owning" that criticism comes into play. Avoid trying to win this person over or arguing with them. You'll never win. Instead, consider other options, such as confronting, following your company's grievance policy, or limiting your interaction with this person. 6. Conflicts with authority or coworkers. This might stem from unresolved boundary issues with your parents (or other authority figures) and/or siblings. 7. Expecting too much from work. Work is work. Although you might have friends at work, these relationships are generally not intended to provide primary nurturing, or be the only source of love, acceptance, and approval. ** Note: not having firm boundaries and investing too much emotionally in work relationships can also lead to affairs and be destructive to relationships outside of work. 8. Taking work-related stress home. When we don't face work issues directly, we tend to take negative emotions home which, in turn, also take time and energy away from loved ones. 9. Disliking your job. We were all created for a specific purpose. If you are continually unhappy with your job, you might not be fulfilling your life's calling. Determine your boundaries -- what defines "you" and "not you" -- and assess whether a career change or going back to school are in order. This might seem scary, but it's worth it! Remember, the best place to discover and practice boundaries is in a safe, supportive environment. If it's time to work on your boundaries, find that safety and support at Life Renewal. Recently, Jennifer posted about family systems ("Like" Life Renewal Counseling on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/pages/Life-Renewal-Counseling/332455189742 to read more), and how making a positive change in yourself positively affects the family system. Nowhere is this more true, or more difficult, than with our family of origin -- the family we grew up in.
Let's face it... both the healthy and unhealthy boundaries we have were learned in our family of origin, and because these boundaries have been instilled in us from birth, these boundary conflicts are very difficult to change. Difficult, but not impossible, and instilling firm and loving boundaries with your family of origin can help ease holiday conflicts and keep you from feeling like a child every time you walk into your parents' home. In their book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend detail how to go about making this change: 1. Identify the Symptom -- see where you have areas of conflict with your parents and siblings. 2. Identify the Conflict -- areas of failed boundaries include not enforcing consequences on others' behaviors, or being responsible for someone else, rather than to that person. 3. Identify the Need that Drives the Conflice -- what is the underlying reason you allow your boundaries to be violated? For example, in your parents' house did disapproval mean a removal of the relationship or conditional love? 4.. Take in and Receive the Good -- once you've identified your needs, you are responsible for seeking a safe place and safe relationships to get those needs filled. 5. Practicce Boundary Skills -- use your safe place to learn how to set up healthy boundaries for yourself. 6. Say No to the Bad -- while you are building your boundary skills, avoid people who have been abusive, controling, or disrespectful of your boundaries in the past. 7. Forgive the Aggressor -- not doing so keeps you stuck to the hurts of the past. 8. Respond, Don't React -- create space for yourself so that you can control your side of the interactions, which helps maintain your boundaries. 9. Learn to Love in Freedom and Responsibility, Not in Guilt -- God wants our actions to come from a place of love, not a sense of duty or guilt. Love = Freedom. Setting boundaries can be difficult, confusing, and exhausting. Often, others resist our new boundaries, making us question if we're doing the "right" thing. Life Renewal Counseling is a place of safety and support where you can sort out what your boundaries are, exercise your "boundary muscle", and receive encouragement along the journey. -- Yolanda Have you ever considered the power of the voice? God spoke the world into existence (even though he could have merely thought all of creation into being); Christ's words are written in red in the Bible; a kind word can change a bad day. Alternately, a harsh word can be debilitating. Words CAN hurt us. The book of James, chapter 3, details this distinction. Words can be either life-giving or, literally, take a life.
Have you taken time to consider the impact of others' words on your life? How have they breathed life into your difficult circumstances? How have they suffocated you? If we're not careful, others can steal the power of our voice. You have a God-given right to your voice; He intends for you to discover it and use its power to speak life into others' lives. Sometimes, we need help rediscovering our lost voices. That's part of the benefits of counseling. Like the Disney movie The Little Mermaid, has someone stolen your voice? Trust in the Prince of Peace and King of kings to bring restoration. |
AuthorsThe author of Life Renewal Counseling's Blog is Jennifer Street, LCSW. Earlier posts are credited to our former counselor, Yolanda Harper, LCSW. For more information on Jennifer please visit the "About Us" section of our website. Archives
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